Close your Eyes and Think of England

Please note that the post I had planned (a short description and historical context for the phrase above, and then a classy segue into talking about The Gay Adventures, did not end up happening. Instead, it became a rather long segment about gender inequality, and my experience as a trans person, seeing gender bias from both sides of the fence.

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Close your eyes and think of England is an old “reference to unwanted sexual intercourse – specifically advice to an unwilling wife when sexually approached by her husband.”

To me, this is horrifying. I was socialized female, and I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever completely get over the multitude of misogynistic and often conflicting messages I received about how women apparently feel (or “should” feel) about sex, sexuality, and specifically sex with men.

  • I learned—in a thousand subtle and not-so-subtle ways—that women did not or should not like sex or pleasure…and if she does, she is a slut.
  • I learned that men cannot—and should not be expected to—control themselves around women.
  • I learned that a woman dressing or dancing a certain way—or even existing—makes unwanted sexual advances, or even RAPE “understandable” or “excusable.”
  • I learned that women want to have sex with men
  • I learned that, during sex, it is the woman’s job to please the man, first and foremost, and if he has time he might try to reciprocate
  • I learned (mostly from women) that many men either don’t understand, don’t care to understand, or believe they already know how a woman’s body works or what she likes
  • I learned society and our legal system is set up to be distrustful towards women who come forward about sexual abuse
  • I learned that it was the wife’s “duty” to lie back and think of England if she doesn’t want sex but her husband does
  • I learned that women don’t necessarily know that they “want it”
  • I learned that saying “no” is somehow not clear communication that of discomfort with the sexual situation. In fact, shouting “no” and actively struggling and fighting back is often not enough
  • I learned that a woman should feel grateful/special to be “claimed” by a man
  • I learned that it’s somehow romantic when a man simply “can’t keep his hands off” her. Or when he follows her, grabs her roughly without her consent, watches her sleep without her knowing, or peruses her relentlessly dispute constant rejection.
    • This, of course, communicates a deeper message that women don’t know what they want, and therefore women are unintelligent, foolish, flighty, and apt to change their minds at the drop of a hat.
  • I learned that women love that chase, and verbal or physical rejection is merely an invitation to try harder
  • I learned that women’s bodies are not their own, but are owned by men, through:
    • The origins of marriage as the woman becoming the man’s property, including forsaking her own name for his, and wearing white to symbolize her virginity
    • Men thinking it’s fine for them to just come up and touch you

…and so much more. If many of these ideas seem old-fashioned, perhaps we should be asking ourselves why they are still so prevalent in our culture. Just musing here, but maybe that’s a PROBLEM. close-your-eyes-and-think-of-england

“This is recorded in the 1912 journal of Lady Hillingdon:

‘When I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, open my legs and think of England.’ “

Lady Hillingdon, I’m sorry.

So why am I posting about this? First of all, because it’s important. In relation to The Gay Adventures, however, the phrase ‘close your eyes and think of England,’ got me thinking about Captain Hook. The phrase was born in the era of Queen Victoria, (and often attributed to her), and James Hook would want nothing more than to be a loyal subject.

quote-just-close-your-eyes-and-think-of-england-queen-victoria-91-90-74To Hook, the equivalent of unwanted sex would be sex with a woman. Pretending to be straight. Pretending that was what he wanted, what he was attracted to…and trying to shut out the unwanted thoughts which disclosed his true desires.

I’d like to write a Scene with Captain Hook and Smee, where Hook uses this phrase in his own way. However, Smee is unfamiliar with the saying, gets confused, and then he and Hook attempt together to understand it.

One of the ways I get inspired to write is by taking something simple that already exists (like a phrase, a Patron Saint, or Pickleball), and then take it and twist it into a different context or meaning.

The way I currently have The Gay Adventures written, the cast is primarily male. I believe I wrote it that way because I identify as male and crave the a male community. But I often reflect and think about the disproportionate representation of men within media, and what my role is within that.

For the longest time I was running from all things ‘female.’ I didn’t want to hear about it, I didn’t want to think about it, I even harbored a resentment towards women for a while, somehow blaming them for my being socialized as the wrong gender.

Now that I’m working through those thoughts and feelings, I find my anger towards what women have to go through on a daily basis growing exponentially, and I hope to become a very strong ally. I’ve grown to deeply appreciate my unique perspective into what it feels like to be treated as a woman from birth, and on a daily basis. I believed I was less intelligent and competent that those around him. I was dismissed more easily. I wasn’t listened to. I found it harder to speak up. My space was invaded regularly.

It’s an ugly truth, but a truth nonetheless, that a privileged group is more likely to listen to someone they perceive as one of their own. Part of the reason it’s so fucking annoying to be female is because when you try to tell men what you’re up against, they tend to pat you on the head and inform you that you don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know your own experience. They know what you go through better than you do. All that pesky gender inequality is over and done with now. Men saw to that. Men saw that women were being fussy about “rights” and silly things like that and they stepped in and fixed it for the girls.

Essentially, I plan to use my “passing” privilege to talk to men as a man, and tell them that gender inequality is NOT in women’s heads. Of course, I shouldn’t attempt to speak for women either. But I can speak truthfully about the experience of being seen as female, treated as female.

So I implore all those who believe that gender inequality is either “over,” or “not as bad as women think,” to no longer lie back and think of England. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away.

So sit up, and open your eyes.

Watch out for the Homo-sexuals

When I told my mom I was going to see AIDS: It’s In Our Blood in Gay City, my mom gave me some sage advice: “Just be careful– there might be homo-sexuals there.”

Her concern was valid: there almost certainly would be homosexuals in Gay City. The good news is, my mom has long-ago accepted that she has a transgender, pansexual (or something along those lines) son, and was 100% kidding.

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“Arg, thar be homosexuals!     …Awesome.”

 

I just wanted to write a lil’ somthing to appreciate the parents who DON’T hate or abuse their children over gender or sexual orientation (which, by the way, their children have no control over). My parents weren’t thrilled when I told them I was a guy, but after many tough discussions and some long-ish bouts of NOT talking, we’re closer than ever. Intimacy is always aided by authenticity, and them relating to me as their daughter just…wasn’t working.

I was lucky, though. I’m not saying it was ‘easy,’ per say, but I felt like I could come out to them, and throughout the whole process I always knew there was a fair amount of hope.

A lot of queer people start of from a very different place with their parents, friends, and general community. I am a big advocate for self-care, which includes making the tough decisions to not interact with people who don’t support you, even your biological family. Sometimes taking some time apart from them (if you have that opportunity) can provide some much-needed perspective for both parties.

A lot of the queer people I know deeply treasure their “chosen family,” usually consisting of more queer people who they don’t have to constantly explain themselves to and correct pronouns like a skipping record.

I’ve always loved that the word queer means ‘odd,’ but there’s absolutely nothing odd about being authentic, choosing your community, or choosing love.

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“Dying for Acceptance” Article

This is [most of] an article from Psychology Today, written by John G. Taylor. It was posted in 2013, but concerns issues we’re absolutely still facing today.

See the full article HERE.

“Dying for Acceptance: Suicide Rates in the LGBTQ Community

When disclosing the truth of your reality exposes the harshness of others.

Often times in our lives we find ourselves wondering: “Who am I and what would happen if people knew the real me? Would they leave me, stop being my friend, or would they embrace me and accept me as I am?” These are the million-dollar questions that are plaguing the lives of so many people in America, and even across the world, today. The reality is that people may not accept you. So do you hide yourself. Do you commit suicide, run away from home, turn to drugs and alcohol to cope? Or do you say I don’t care it’s my life and I’m going to live my best life.

Source:

As a therapist, these thoughts represent many lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) youth and adults that I have counseled as well as those that are living in our communities. I decided to write this article because of the alarming rate of suicide among LGBTQ youth and adults—all because they aren’t being accepted for who they are. This topic is considered by some as controversial and negative. It’s pressing up against the definition of marriage, it’s finding itself wrestled in our politics, and it has made its presence known in our legal system and our military. There is also a group of people that feels it shouldn’t be discussed, that we should just ignore it. These conversations happen every day in our churches, communities, homes, political arenas, and schools.

But the reality is that there are LGBTQ youth and adults filling up our schools, teaching our children, playing on our favorite football or basketball teams, providing security for our cities, serving our food, and cutting our hair. The fact is that the LGBTQ community is everywhere.

I’ve heard story after story from parents about the difficulty of understanding that a son or daughter is gay or lesbian. In equal numbers, I’ve also heard from youth and adults about their difficulty in disclosing their sexual orientation to their parents and friends because they fear being ridiculed, abandoned, judged, hated and isolated. This difficulty has led many to take their own lives. The statistics are:

● 5,000 LGBTQ youth now take their lives each year with the number believed to be significantly higher if deliberate auto accidents and other precipitated events are counted.

● 500,000 LGBTQ youth attempt suicide every year.

● Homosexual and bisexual junior high and high school boys are seven times more likely than heterosexual boys to report suicide attempts.

● Lesbians are more than twice as likely to commit suicide than heterosexual women.

● A majority of the suicide attempts by homosexuals take place at age 20 or younger with nearly one-third occurring before age 17.

● Gay male, lesbian, and transsexual youth make up about 25 percent of the homeless living on the streets in this country.

The LGBTQ youth and adults often talk about the judgment, hatred, insults, negative comments, and violence that are part of their daily lives. This daily abuse may result in youth and adults experiencing mental health problems such as: depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), agoraphobia (fear of being outside of the home), dissociative disorder, eating disorderspersonality disorderssleep disorders and adjustment disorders. Some also experience drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, and self hatred.

There have been many horrific stories in the media about LGBTQ youth and adults who commit suicide because they were being harassed. In New York: A 26-year-olde black youth took his own life and wrote on his Facebook page the day he committed suicide: “I could not bear the burden of living as a gay man of color in a world grown cold and hateful towards those of us who live and love differently than the so-called social mainstream”.

Another story is Tyler Clementi’s, a student from Rutgers University who jumped off a bridge after being videotaped by his roommate while having a sexual encounter with a man. And there are more stories such as that of a 13-year-old student who shot himself in the head after being teased and harassed at school.

I recount these stories to show that these were real people that had real lives and because they were not accepted or feared being rejected, they decided to end their lives.”

Trans Actors

It’s a bit tricky to plan a multi-season TV show which includes a cast of children who are not supposed to age…

However, I have an easy solution (which was actually my first choice anyhow). I had always imagined adults playing Peter, John, Wendy and the lost boys.

The story itself is not meant to be taken literally, so age doesn’t need to be taken literally either. It doesn’t hurt that every one of the principal ‘child’ characters has gone through tough experiences which in many ways forced them to grow up mentally, if not physically.

But how to not confuse everyone watching it? Have a consistent difference in height and build between the ‘adults’ and ‘children’ on the island. Peter is almost always portrayed by a woman in stage plays, because they tend to have smaller frames.

 

So…which men tend to be shorter, with smaller builds? Trans men.

Now, before you yell at me, I’m aware that not all trans men or short or skinny. Not at all. And when I first had this idea it worried me that it might be weird to cast trans men as children. Would it send a message that we were infantile or somehow not ‘real’ men? That is in NO WAY what I want. Trans men are men. As a trans man myself, I’m very aware of this fact.

I was not at all surprised to discover that trans actors are few and far between. And I would conjecture that short trans men who are trying to break into acting don’t have too many opportunities to play leading men. So obviously, any and all trans actors would be welcome to try out for any role, but I thought that Peter and the lost boys would be a perfect opportunity to put a call out SPECIFICALLY for trans actors to come and audition.

Let’s actively CREATE rolls for trans men and women, instead of having an occasional movie about the struggles of being transgender, where the lead is played by a cis actor.

I would personally love to play a lost boy…

…except I absolutely hate being in front of a camera. So never mind.

Betwixt-and-Between

JM Barrie described Peter as a “betwixt-and-between”…not quite a bird and not quite a boy.

As of yesterday, it occurred to me that this description also makes a nice gender identity.

However, I don’t subscribe to the belief that there is merely ‘male’ and ‘female’ at two extremes. So when I say betwixt-and-between, in my mind I’m seeing layers and folds and colors and a variety of dimensions. As opposed to:

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Between doesn’t have to mean between two. Why do humans tend to view complex topics like gender, politics and morality this way? Even cats and dogs, soft and hard, red and green, should not be done the disservice of being viewed simply as “opposites.”

So celebrate your betwixt-ness with me!

220px-Houghton_Typ_905R.06.195_(A)_-_Arthur_Rackham,_Peter_Pan_-_Away_he_flew

P.S. The quote “betwixt-and-between” is not from Peter & Wendy but from The Little White Bird, the first time Peter appeared in print.

asdfsIn the book, Peter is confused why he doesn’t seem to be like the other birds. He’s an “awkward shape.” Naturally, this strikes a cord with me, having grown up feeling very  awkward in my own body and not understanding how others could have a body they felt so free in.

I think there’s a lot of power to be found in reinterpreting the classics in a way which empowers those who have been underrepresented for so long.

A lot of people complain about queer people “reading too much into” straight relationships in books, movies, and TV. I think all that means is that we’re HUNGRY. Hungry for characters who are legitimately written with our experiences in mind, not characters which we have to tilt our heads sideways and squint to say “I can see myself.”

We’re so hungry that we’re willing to ship characters played by sexist and homophobic actors just so we can pretend we have representation.

Obviously, there are queer characters on TV. Many more than there used to be. But, unfortunately, they are still betwixt-and-far-between.

 

Good Morning, You Are a Racist :)

I am white. If you are also white, this post is for you.

You might be one of those white people who knows that you’re racist. Or you might be one of those white people who desperately doesn’t want to be racist, and loudly insists that you aren’t. You’re the “good kind” of white person.

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But I’m here to tell you that you, indeed, are racist. And yet, in a complex way, (admitting to) this fact is not a bad thing. It’s a good thing.

But wait a minute…

How could I possibly know you’re racist if I’ve never met you??? I am judging you so unfairly without knowing your personal experience or getting to know you! If anyone’s being judgmental it’s ME, right?? Well, yes, but I’m also being logical.

I’m NOT saying that you’re racist, therefore you’re evil. There’s a big different between conscious and unconscious racism, and liberal or “good” white people are far more often guilty of the latter.

What I AM saying is that if you were raised and socialized in a racist society you have internalized racist messages and racial prejudices which affect your thoughts, speech, and actions whether you know it or not.

group-of-kids-with-different-races-holding-hands-dn0338.jpg
This is a false representation of how the world currently works, which, instead of moving us toward equality causes complacency

You did not have control over this. What you DO have control over is what you do now: do you plug your ears and hum because you’re scared of your own shadow, or do you begin the slow and painful process of unearthing your internalized prejudice, having difficult conversations which make everyone uncomfortable, and pathetically try to be a better human being and help the world?

Hmm. I know one of those options looks a whole lot harder, but stay with me:

Being the “non-racist white person” is not only a crutch (and a false one) but it’s an active HINDRANCE when it comes to dismantling racism.

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If you refuse to acknowledge what is there, you’re free to pretend there isn’t a problem and continue on with your biases nicely intact. What’s more, you’re far less likely to enter into a real conversation about race because you’re so afraid of how you’ll be perceived.

And so, I humbly ask you to stand and say with me, “I, ___________, am a racist. Because how could I not be? I grew up literally surrounded by racist messages, no matter who my parents were, no matter what neighborhood I grew up in, no matter who my friends were, no matter what media I consumed. It was always there. And now that I am willing to admit it I can begin to notice, question, and uproot my subconscious and unconscious racism and actively engage against racism instead of burring my head in the sand so I can feel good about myself.”

sdfsdf

 

Ok, now say that 10 times fast.

I Want A Boy Toy… (no, not that kind)

Lately I’ve just been feeling so down seeing things like a playroom divided into pink princess toys and red firetrucks. It’s the sort of thing that most people don’t even notice because it’s so normalized.

Why do my favorite (progressive) TV shows still have episode dedicated to the happy heterosexual parents “finding out” if they’re having a “boy” or a “girl”? I feel like screaming at the screen, “Just…wait ’til your child is old enough and then ask THEM!  You IDIOTS!”

…so then the parents discuss whether they even WANT to know ahead of time. [That’s when I scream, “It doesn’t matter! Now or when the baby is born you still won’t “know.” You…IDIOTS!!!!”

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Look at this happy couple, subconsciously assigning a lifetime of expectations to their unborn child. Yay!

And then, once they “find out,” things get even worse. They say things like, “Oh, it’s going to be a girl! That means ballet and hair-dos and princesses!” or “It’s going to be a boy! That means football and girls and skateboards!”

Ok, so first you assumed genitalia dictates gender, and that there are only two genders (i.e. “Really, I’d be happy with either one.“)

…and NOW you’re not only assuming that gender dictates interests (which is insulting and inaccurate whether you’re cis, trans*, or something else entirely), AND you’re assuming heterosexuality!!!! If it’s a girl you’ll have to deal with boys, if it’s a boy you’ll have to deal with girls! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So that’s around the time when I scream, “Good GRACIOUS, your baby is not even BORN yet and already you’re putting them in this minuscule box and acting like it’s so delightful and charming that you’re doing it! YOU IDIOTS!!!!!”

I guess you could say I’m passionate about his topic.

…which is honestly a big part of the reason I’d love to help create a TV show. Media controls our expectations and what we consider normal, and the way we view the world!

What about an episode where a baby is born, the Doctor proclaims “It’s a [boy/girl]!” but this time the parents call the doctor out on assuming to know the gender identity of a newborn and storm out, (as best they can, seeing how one of them just had a baby), still in the hospital gown?

Well…I’d like to see it.

P.S. I apologize for the excessive use of quotation marks and capitalization, but it seemed necessary

Proper “Indian Names” for White People

Since white people always seem to want to be Native American, even to the extent of wearing headbands or announcing at every party they go to that they’re 2/87ths Cherokee, I thought I’d help out.

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Blake Lively: part “Cherokee”

Here are some names to consider [for WHITE PEOPLE ONLY!!!!]. Please pick the one that suits your spirit animal best:

  • Bird that Falls off Branch
  • Bird that Sings off Key
  • Bird that Poops on Clean Car
  • Chair with Three Legs
  • White Man
  • Slug that Slimes upon the Leaves
  • He Who Takes Land of Others & Kills Everyone

people-who-have-very-little-native-blood-and-claim-native-are-a-danger-to-real-natives

Let’s Talk about Race: Part II – Why is Peter so White?

I think at this point, it’s pretty much assumed that Peter has been, is, and will be played by a white person. But bear with me as I ask, why? 

I mean… Why?

In my mind, Peter is meant to symbolized the “everyboy,” a word I just made up. And what is the go-to when it comes to representing all humankind? A white person, naturally.

 

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Peter Pan (Disney), 1953
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Peter Pan Live, 1954
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Peter Pan, 2003

 

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Peter Pan Live, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pan, 2015

 

 

 

 

 

Wouldn’t it make more sense for Peter to be played by someone mixed race? Someone from all over who could speak to those all over, since the desire for freedom, fun, and adventure is universal? Really, just let him be played by someone…not white.

 

sefse
“Dear God, I’m white!”

 

 

And Sexism to Boot!

The 2015 movie Pan didn’t miss a beat! Not only was Tigerlily white as a ghost, she also fell into the delightful [and not at all outdated or overused trope] of being a tough girl who stands up for herself and doesn’t need a man, who nevertheless totally falls for the man who was originally misogynistic towards her.

But that doesn’t matter, because she punched him in the face! No. Wrong. Bad. That actually makes it worse, since it sends the message that even independent women truly want to be with someone who belittles them, and carries them–literally and figuratively.

ertgdd
“Save me!”

So keep at it, men! No matter how annoying you are, or if you don’t respect women, those same women will eventually find this behavior endearing if you just keep at it. Remember, no means yes! She’s just playing hard to get.

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“We’re in love now. What do you mean you can’t tell? We’re both attractive, and we’re in the same general vicinity.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For a more detailed look at strong women being ‘put in their place’ by confident men, check out this video, Abduction as Romance. Of course, Tigerlily is not abducted by James, but she still falls for exactly what she’s originally depicted to despise.